How to Love the Things You Hate
It is confusing!! How do you change what you don't like in your
life without giving more energy to it by focusing on what you don't
like-or worse, pretending it's not happening and having nothing at all
change?
Well, first, take a breath, and remember... everything is changeable. You can live a spectacularly wonderful life, with no exceptions.
And then realize, it's OK to see what's going on around you and admit you don't like it. Actually it's the only way you will change your reality-by recognizing what needs to change. But don't sit around and complain without taking your power back and doing something about it. That will only keep you in a spiral of negativity.
So... how DO you change what you dislike? Here are some steps you can take which will change your world, if you really want it to change:
Let it (all) out. If something isn't going well, or someone has betrayed, disappointed or hurt you, give yourself some time to really let in, and then express, how it makes you feel. Actually feel the anger, hurt, sadness, rage, etc. Pound some pillows, write a letter (don't mail it), or imagine an encounter in which you tell another exactly how you feel.
WARNING - do not skip this step! This means you (and anyone else who has emotion around this thing you hate (dislike) in your life). If you skip releasing your constricting emotions you will not be clear enough to complete the rest of the steps at the depth with which they need to be completed.
Discover why you are creating it. Things don't just happen-to anyone. If there is something in your life you do not like, it is because you put it there-consciously or not.
When you find things in your life that you dislike it is very likely that you have deep-seated beliefs that support that reality. What might they be? They might be one or several of these (or a thousand more I haven't listed):
I don't deserve to have a wonderful, loving and committed relationship.
I am not worthy of having a man make a deep and loving commitment to me.
I am not worthy of being loved.
I do not make good choices in relationships.
I must hold onto what I have because I may not find anything better.
Relationships are hard.
When I'm in a significant other relationship, I am not safe.
Men and their needs are more important than women and theirs.
Men always betray me.
Men keep secrets from me.
Men are not trustworthy.
Men are unfaithful.
I attract men who are emotionally immature.
Your sabotaging beliefs need to be discovered and changed. I know it does not seem possible to change a belief-because beliefs, by their very nature, just seem like "just the way it is". But you can change beliefs. And believe me, it will change your world.
Ask "who else" is creating it? There are other aspects of each of us who are not as advanced, emotionally, and oftentimes they are having significant impact on our creations. These are your child self, your adolescent self, and your young adult self.
If these selves have a negative view of men, women, relationships or the world, they will keep a pattern in place indefinitely... until you (the adult, conscious self) change it. How do you change it?
You go back and talk to each of them. In a visualization, imagine yourself in the place and time they lived. Find them in the house they lived in and tell them about your struggle (in this case, with relationships). They will tell you what they think, fear, hate, love... and these thoughts, feelings and underlying beliefs are creating your world.
Make note of the beliefs, give these younger selves happy, wonderful relationships and rich, beautiful lives, and then change the beliefs you just discovered!
Set your boundaries. It is self-loving to have boundaries. You will find as you grow and change, your boundaries will change. At certain stages of life, strict boundaries are necessary to protect yourself, to love yourself and to develop healthy relationships. At later stages, few boundaries are necessary-because you will be creating such a loving world, few are needed.
But at every stage one must decide what it is you can, and can't, live with. Determine what you do want and flow energy to that desire.
When things happen in our lives we dislike, we tend to be reactive instead of proactive. We fight the reality instead of moving into a space of creating a new reality. But that won't change anything. The only thing that will change a reality is putting out new energy that is in alignment with what you want.
So even though you may be deciding what to do about the reality you are in, you still need to be clear about the reality you want to live. Set your intentions. And begin to imagine yourself with your dreams coming true. Be specific and imagine exactly what you desire.
Take (appropriate and inspired) action. Once you have changed the beliefs, and become clear on what you do want, this step becomes easy.
First,answer the question above about whether you will be happy with what you imagine. If the answer is yes, then make peace with it and focus on your choice. If your answer is no, take action to change what you imagined.
Watch your world respond. Your world will change, with this work. Be aware of the little "signs" around you that are signifying you are headed in the right direction.
And remember you cannot control whether another in your life will choose the reality you want. Yes, sometimes the changes do result in the end of a relationship, a job or a living situation.
I remember being in therapy with my first husband. The therapist said to me, "Your husband has said it in a number of ways... he is not willing to change. The question is, are you OK with that?"
He had made his choice. I needed to make mine, which was to leave the marriage. Even though my preference would have been to stay married, I knew I would never be happy or satisfied in it.
Faced with a similar issue with my current husband, he decided he wanted to change and grow. And he did. Neither choice was in my control-but what was in my control was my choice to be in a happy, healthy, loving and intimate partnership.
You won't know how it will turn out. And you may feel that making strong choices for your own life will hurt another. But trust every time you choose more joy, freedom, love and expansion, ultimately you are making a positive impact on all the lives of those around you.
Ultimately...
You can't really love what you hate (or even dislike). You can only change what you hate into a reality you love.
Some would say it's not easy to change what you hate (and sometimes it isn't)-but it is your choice. You can always stay right where you are, for days, weeks, years or even lifetimes.
In joyous creation,
Well, first, take a breath, and remember... everything is changeable. You can live a spectacularly wonderful life, with no exceptions.
And then realize, it's OK to see what's going on around you and admit you don't like it. Actually it's the only way you will change your reality-by recognizing what needs to change. But don't sit around and complain without taking your power back and doing something about it. That will only keep you in a spiral of negativity.
So... how DO you change what you dislike? Here are some steps you can take which will change your world, if you really want it to change:
Let it (all) out. If something isn't going well, or someone has betrayed, disappointed or hurt you, give yourself some time to really let in, and then express, how it makes you feel. Actually feel the anger, hurt, sadness, rage, etc. Pound some pillows, write a letter (don't mail it), or imagine an encounter in which you tell another exactly how you feel.
WARNING - do not skip this step! This means you (and anyone else who has emotion around this thing you hate (dislike) in your life). If you skip releasing your constricting emotions you will not be clear enough to complete the rest of the steps at the depth with which they need to be completed.
Discover why you are creating it. Things don't just happen-to anyone. If there is something in your life you do not like, it is because you put it there-consciously or not.
When you find things in your life that you dislike it is very likely that you have deep-seated beliefs that support that reality. What might they be? They might be one or several of these (or a thousand more I haven't listed):
I don't deserve to have a wonderful, loving and committed relationship.
I am not worthy of having a man make a deep and loving commitment to me.
I am not worthy of being loved.
I do not make good choices in relationships.
I must hold onto what I have because I may not find anything better.
Relationships are hard.
When I'm in a significant other relationship, I am not safe.
Men and their needs are more important than women and theirs.
Men always betray me.
Men keep secrets from me.
Men are not trustworthy.
Men are unfaithful.
I attract men who are emotionally immature.
Your sabotaging beliefs need to be discovered and changed. I know it does not seem possible to change a belief-because beliefs, by their very nature, just seem like "just the way it is". But you can change beliefs. And believe me, it will change your world.
Ask "who else" is creating it? There are other aspects of each of us who are not as advanced, emotionally, and oftentimes they are having significant impact on our creations. These are your child self, your adolescent self, and your young adult self.
If these selves have a negative view of men, women, relationships or the world, they will keep a pattern in place indefinitely... until you (the adult, conscious self) change it. How do you change it?
You go back and talk to each of them. In a visualization, imagine yourself in the place and time they lived. Find them in the house they lived in and tell them about your struggle (in this case, with relationships). They will tell you what they think, fear, hate, love... and these thoughts, feelings and underlying beliefs are creating your world.
Make note of the beliefs, give these younger selves happy, wonderful relationships and rich, beautiful lives, and then change the beliefs you just discovered!
Set your boundaries. It is self-loving to have boundaries. You will find as you grow and change, your boundaries will change. At certain stages of life, strict boundaries are necessary to protect yourself, to love yourself and to develop healthy relationships. At later stages, few boundaries are necessary-because you will be creating such a loving world, few are needed.
But at every stage one must decide what it is you can, and can't, live with. Determine what you do want and flow energy to that desire.
When things happen in our lives we dislike, we tend to be reactive instead of proactive. We fight the reality instead of moving into a space of creating a new reality. But that won't change anything. The only thing that will change a reality is putting out new energy that is in alignment with what you want.
So even though you may be deciding what to do about the reality you are in, you still need to be clear about the reality you want to live. Set your intentions. And begin to imagine yourself with your dreams coming true. Be specific and imagine exactly what you desire.
Take (appropriate and inspired) action. Once you have changed the beliefs, and become clear on what you do want, this step becomes easy.
First,answer the question above about whether you will be happy with what you imagine. If the answer is yes, then make peace with it and focus on your choice. If your answer is no, take action to change what you imagined.
Watch your world respond. Your world will change, with this work. Be aware of the little "signs" around you that are signifying you are headed in the right direction.
And remember you cannot control whether another in your life will choose the reality you want. Yes, sometimes the changes do result in the end of a relationship, a job or a living situation.
I remember being in therapy with my first husband. The therapist said to me, "Your husband has said it in a number of ways... he is not willing to change. The question is, are you OK with that?"
He had made his choice. I needed to make mine, which was to leave the marriage. Even though my preference would have been to stay married, I knew I would never be happy or satisfied in it.
Faced with a similar issue with my current husband, he decided he wanted to change and grow. And he did. Neither choice was in my control-but what was in my control was my choice to be in a happy, healthy, loving and intimate partnership.
You won't know how it will turn out. And you may feel that making strong choices for your own life will hurt another. But trust every time you choose more joy, freedom, love and expansion, ultimately you are making a positive impact on all the lives of those around you.
Ultimately...
You can't really love what you hate (or even dislike). You can only change what you hate into a reality you love.
Some would say it's not easy to change what you hate (and sometimes it isn't)-but it is your choice. You can always stay right where you are, for days, weeks, years or even lifetimes.
In joyous creation,
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